Party time!

party time for some of us, anyway. since i'll probably be zonking out at midnight, i'll say this now: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Dream

I had an interesting dream last night. I was walking down the street talking to aaron, asking why he never called or e-mailed while i was down here. i don't remember his answer.
then i was in the play The Unsinkable Molly Brown, only i had missed the last half of rehearsal for some reason or another, and i knew my entrance was coming up, but then i realized i couldn't remember what part i was playing. i ran to the entrance area, to the door, and looked onstage through the tiny space between the door and the wall and the hinge. i could see that it was the bar scene (i knew that already from the music), but then i realized that the crack i was looking through was now a true peep-hole, like on my front door, that can move around to see what you want to a certain extent. i don't remember the rest of that part.
i also remember spinning, like those ballerinas do, but the type of spin where the leg goes out again and again to gain momentum for more spin. i also remember trying to stop gracefully at some point, but i lost my balance and stumbled. i was in my living room, and pretending i was in front of an audience. i then spun facing my mirror, and i knew i was doing it rather slow-motion so i could see what i was doing, but the light wasn't very good, so i could only see my silhouette. i then had a long flowing skirt that spun with me and went out in a full circle around my waist, but with the little creases that occur when you spin. i was spinning beautifully, and i wasn't feeling dizzy at all.

Knott's Berry Farm

fun! aunt jeannette took us to knott's today and we ate at the chicken dinner restaurant. delicious! then we went our separate ways, evan and i to ride rides, aunt jeannette to shop. ghostrider (a wooden coaster) is my undisputed favorite, but silver bullet was really good, too. we went to the mystery lodge, which is always fun; i cannot figure out how they do some of the tricks they do in that show! ah, well, if i figured it out, it would ruin the effect. we also went to the snoopy christmas show, which was interesting, and there we met back up with aunt jeannette. my souvenir? salt water taffy, baby! 2-and-a-half pounds of it.

Magic Mountain

Evan and I went to Magic Mountain today! I drove there, making this my first time driving in the LA area. It was alot like driving in the bay area, since it was raining. You know how you feel when you're on a sugar low? That's about how I feel, with a little dizziness mixed in. I had to warm up to the coasters, so of course Evan takes me on X first, which is this crazy coaster that flips you round as you go through the track. Wow. It was nice, though, since I got a free ticket and Evan had a season pass. I was stupid on X, though, and left my ticket in the locker they provided that had the essential code on it, so I had to get one of the workers to open the locker after we were done with X. After lunch we went straight to Batman; I got really dizzy when I got off, but it wore off by the time we got to Riddler's Revenge. I think it was because all my blood was in my stomach, not my head. It was raining really hard when we rode Riddler's Revenge, but it was really fun. Aunt Jeannette leant me a poncho, which I had over a windbreaker, so while my face was soaked, the rest of me wasn't. It was kinda hard riding Riddler, since the rain was hitting our faces like hail. Then I got my courage up and rode Goliath (which is really stupid of me, as I grayed out on that ride before). Sure enough, my vision grayed over when we hit those 4.5 Gs. Okay, my vision will usually gray over slightly on roller coasters, but rarely more than half of my vision. Goliath makes me lose around 80% of my vision, and I can feel it creeping further, but fortunately at about that point the ride ends. Goliath wasn't so bad as I remembered, though. Then I went on Scream, then Colossus (a wooden coaster that I really liked, since it didn't make me gray out), and then on Scream again. Then we decided to go home. Of course, at about this point the sun came out, but went hiding again when I started driving. Figures. But at least the rain kept the crowds down. The longest we had to wait for a ride was half an hour, and that was because they only ran one train per ride.

Gene Autry Museum

went to the gene autry museam today, which was quite interesting...that is one of the better museums i've been to. before we went to the museum, aunt jeannette took evan and i to ikea to one of their eateries. i didn't know ikea HAD an eatery! insane. we all had this manager's special, with 15 meatballs, two red potatoes, a dollop of cranberry sauce, soup or salad, and a drink, all for $6. crazy, huh? i feel so much better today after DOING something. we were at the museum for two hours and i wasn't able to finish. as evan and aunt jeannette had been there before, they let me choose how fast to go though the museum. upstairs they had some beautiful artwork of yellow stone, i mean the early stuff, before tourism became too big. Brenda, you would probably be able to appreciate that part more than i would, but it was pretty cool, even for a layman like me. on some of the artwork they had cards set up giving a bit of history on the artist and the piece. that's what i was able to appreciate. brenda, if you haven't gone there before, you need to. i don't know if you would want to go with me, 'cause i can be pretty slow going through museums, especially well-documented ones like this.

Hello again

Rain today, so we didn't go to an amusement park. We watched I, Robot instead. It's good. I really liked it, only I got a headache afterwards (I tend to get headaches when I watch movies; probably has to do with keeping my eyes on one spot for too long or my head in one position too long). Luckily, the headache was cured by caffeine and food from lunch. After lunch, I went to "my" room and finished the book I've been working on. Then I came out, had another soda and started working on my blog. Mom left this morning. I hope she made it home okay. I've had this veil behind my eyes for the past few days; it goes away when I'm distracted, so I try to keep distracted. I think the veil is tiredness, with a slight headache. I like the sound of rain on the rooftops. I love falling asleep to the rythmic patterns the rain makes. I only like being out in the rain if I'm prepared for it. If I'm unprepared, or if I'm already in a foul mood, rain only makes it worse. It all depends on perspective. I can choose to feel bad that the rain keeps us from some amusement parks, or I can choose to love the patter-patter pattern it makes. I don't feel bad. I just feel tired. But not sleepy, I don't think. Restless. That's it. I'm restless.

Merry Christmas

Christmas was fun, I got a few gift certificates, a bunch of tools (for my technical theater class), and some clothes. Using the gift certificate to Kohl's my mom, aunt and I went shopping today, and I got a really cute outfit. It actually wasn't very busy, seeing as we were there at the very beginning of the sales. My sister and brother-in-law came down yesterday and got here just in time for dinner. Family can be hard to deal with, especially as I've becomed accustomed to being with people for short spurts with breaks to be by myself. Liz and Jerm are leaving now; it'll be less crowded. Mom is leaving tomorrow.

Down in West Hills

Mom and I drove down to LA today to where my aunt lives, and on the way we swung over to Lancaster to pick up my grandparents' presents. I'm rather tired, seeing as I went to sleep at around 2 am from packing and wrapping presents. My mom woke me up at about 8 am. Ugg. Mom will be driving back on Sunday, while I'll be hanging around here until New Year's. I'm getting PAID to take my cousin to a lot of the theme parks in LA. Life doesn't get much better than that.

poem on my mind

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state,

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,

And look upon myself and curse my fate.

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,

Featured like him, like him with friends possessed.

Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,

With what I most enjoy, contented least.

Yet, in these thoughts, myself almost despising,

Haply I think on thee. And then my state,

Like to the lark at break of day arising

From sullen Earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate.

For thy sweet love remember'd, such wealth brings,

That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

-William Shakespeare

Shortest day of the year

It's the shortest day of the year, everybody! better cuddle up with someone, 'cause it's gonna be a long night!

today is my first full day of being 19. nice. i got my presents from people, nice, a couple of cd's and a prayer box. aaron also called and sang happy birthday to me. it was nice. i went to a really nice restaurant last night and had the most tender steak you'll ever have. that steak was today's lunch, as well. i started a new scarf today, and that's about all i've done, besides sit, eat, and watch tv. oh, unless you count sort of breaking my cd player last night. i was placing it on the floor and it slipped from my hand. it was getting squirrelly anyway. i just broke the little gizmo that keeps the thing closed, and a hair claw does the same thing, but why bother? my older player doesn't look as good as the dropped one, but it works just fine.

story time!

I'm bored, so here you go.

“All right, everybody, see you Wednesday!” my director cried. Play rehearsal was finally over for tonight. I kept Andrew (with his beautiful black hair and warm brown eyes) in the corner of my eye and carefully timed my leaving to coincide with his. I left the room right behind him and noted (for the thousandth time) his strong silhouette. Unfortunately, his long brown coat hid his cute butt and legs. I sighed internally. But I also noticed our third-story view of the darkening sky, with its blues turning to purples and oranges beyond the black trees.
“Whoa, yes, it’s finally getting dark when we leave,” said Andrew, right on cue, as he turned to face me. I picked up my step.
“Yeah, isn’t it cool?” I replied, catching up. “I love the sunset. It’s awesome.”
“Everything’s awesome to you,” he teased.
“What can I say? I’m an optimist.” We reached the stairwell and began to descend. To save time and energy, I decided to slide down the handrail on my butt, like Mary Poppins, only going down instead of up. Unfortunately, my butt wouldn’t slide. Andrew laughed as I quickly got off the handrail, wind milling my hands to keep from falling.
“Yep, ya know you have to get off when your butt sticks,” he chuckled.
“Well, the cold, you know, made the paint damp, or something—” I trailed off, losing my words in laughter. We laughed in unison for a moment.
“Do you have a boyfriend?” Andrew asked gently. WHAT? Where did that come from? Was he going to ask me out (oh, please, God)? I wanted to go out with him, but I didn’t know how he would react to my asking him. I tried to answer his question as matter-of-factly as possible.
“No…”
“What? A pretty girl like you? I’d’ve thought the boys would be crawling after you. You ever had a boyfriend?”
“Yeah…” Oh, that was a brilliant answer. Just brilliant. I’m sure he was blinded by how freakin’ bright I was. I tried to rectify matters by adding, “I was, like, a senior in high school at the time.”
“Well, who broke up with who?” I looked at him. He looked genuinely curious. I decided to tell the complete truth—it’s not like he knew the guy.
“He broke up with me.” My mind flashed to other conversations, where I claimed it was mutual, both to save my pride and to keep him from being labeled a bastard.
“What!?! You should have broken up with him!” Andrew exclaimed.
“Well, he kinda beat me to the punch,” I said, forgetting to be nervous. “I was getting ready to break up with him, but, well, he beat me to it. Okay, then, now it’s your turn. You put me on the spot, how about you? Same questions.”
“Okay,” he replied, “I have had girlfriends, and it’s gone both ways.”
“Okay.” That was yet another brilliant answer on my part. I probably should’ve asked if he had a girlfriend now. Whatever. We left the stairwell and began walking towards the parking lot were I had left my car.
“Can I walk you to your car, dear lady?” asked Andrew in a faux British accent. “You are a marvelous conversationalist.”
“Oh, of course, darling, I would be delighted,” I answered in the same accent. Yay!
“Now, how could any decent guy break up with you?” he asked, dropping the accent.
“It does kinda piss me off the way he did it,” I said.
“How’d he do it?” asked Andrew. His voice caressed me. It made me sad and triggered my memory.
“It was after Winter Formal. He didn’t speak to me the entire night. It was almost a relief when he broke up with me.” My voice sounded dull to my ears. I let it be dull. If Andrew wanted to ask me out, he would have to know that I wasn’t always happy.
“Do you know why?”
“I dunno, the spark was just—gone, I guess.” I pictured Andrew moving closer to me, placing his arm around my shoulders to comfort me…
“I still can’t believe some guy would break up with you!” said Andrew, his voice incredulous. Come on, man, put your arm around me, I silently cried.
“I think a lot of couples broke up on Winter Formal night,” I said instead, longing for his touch.
“Wait, this was on the night of Winter Formal?”
“Yeah,” I answered. “I drove, so he waited to drop the bomb until we were close enough to his house that he could walk in case I got mad and kicked him out of the car.” I waited for Andrew’s sympathetic answer. I mean, it would take more than that to get me to break my obligation. Instead, Andrew burst into laughter. That got me thinking. You know, that was kinda funny.
“Well, ya know, at least he waited until after Formal,” said Andrew, still laughing. I started laughing, too.
“It was more a blow to my pride than anything else. I mean, how dare this guy break up with me?” I said sarcastically, and laughed some more. That was one of the reasons why I loved Andrew. He made me laugh, even when I didn’t want to.
I could see my little silver car now, all alone near the back of the parking lot. We let the conversation drop for the moment and we walked in a comfortable silence. Andrew began to sing Bei Meir Bist Du Schon in a soft baritone. He’d been astonished that I knew the words, since not many people know any Andrew Sister’s songs besides Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy. I joined in as soon as I recognized the song.
Bei Meir Bist Du Schon,
Please let me explain
Bei Meir Bist Du Shon means you’re grand
We continued singing until we reached my car. This was it. Would he ask me out?
“Hey, this is kind of an out of the blue question, but…” he started. Oh, please, ask me out, sweep me up in those hunky arms and kiss me, damn it! He interrupted my fantasy by continuing, “where do you get more of your strength, your mom or your dad?”
He was right. That was out of the blue. I scrambled for a reasonably true and smart-sounding answer.
“Um, I guess it depends on the type of strength,” I replied slowly.
“Hmm. I’ll have to think about that on my way home. Get home safe, kiddo,” he said, then turned and walked away. No! No! Don’t just walk away! I tried to find something to say to bring him back.
“You too, man,” I called. Damn it! I couldn’t figure out what to do, so I got into my car, locked the door, and began softly banging my head on the steering wheel as I berated myself for letting him get away. When that got old, I laughed. What fools these mortals be. I turned the ignition on the car, turned on the radio, and started laughing again when I heard the song being played.
I've tried to explain
Bei Meir Bist Du Schon,
So kiss me, and say you understand.

happy birthday

happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me!

i woke up far too early this morning (6:30, eek!) to make sure i saw my dad today. he said, "happy birthday, but i'm too broke to get you anything. we'll have to make a rain check for a dinner at some point." i'm going out to dinner tonight with my mom, her gentleman friend, my sister, and my brother-in-law to celebrate both mine and my sister's birthdays (her's is in a couple days). my friend tori got me this really cute pink scarf and chandelier earrings, which i'm wearing right now (the scarf is really warm). my christmas present for her was buying her dinner last night, and her christmas present for me was buying dessert. we went to cold stone, where i saw this guy in my acting class. i think he likes me, and he's all right, but he's not aaron.

earlier yesterday my friend brenda and i went christmas shopping. we were bold, daring, intrepid (and need i mention crazy?). We Went To The Mall, yesterday, the weekend before christmas. most people think the day after thanksgiving is the busiest shopping day; nope. it's the saturday before christmas. we went to best buy and got presents for people (or in my case, present). i've done the shopping i need to. now i just need to wrap it all. i have time.

i'm okay...really

aaron called and apologized profusely yesterday, i guess he was running around like a chicken with its head cut off running all sorts of errands, and he forgot. i felt much better after he called. i even forgot about the headache i got from all the sugar. then i went over to barista coffee where a high school friend of mine works, and we gabbed for about an hour and a half, then i ran (drove, rather) home where Mom had made dinner, which i ate really quick (along with a few aspirin) before racing over to my babysitting job. twins. :p. my headache came back, but i was able to get them to brush their teeth and go to bed by making a contest out of it. they are very competitive. i got a lot of my scarf done, though. i'm sort of knitting a scarf, using this wheel gizmo. it's faster than regular knitting, so that's cool.
tomorrow is my birthday. i have survived one year of being an adult. wow. i'm almost 19. sooo old and aged.

hmmm

better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

-chinese proverb

i'm on a sugar low. half a bag of circus peanuts will do that to you. i'm tired. down. movie thing fell through, i think. damn. oh well, we can reschedule. it'll be fine.

hmm

i hope aaron doesn't sleep in again. hmm. i have a babysitting job later on tonight, so it isn't like we have all day. next time we schedule a movie date i'm scheduling the time beforehand, instead of the fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants type deal we've been trying. it doesn't seem to be working, and i stress out when i don't have a reasonable schedule.
last night i dreamt that everyone was standing in dozens of lines in a street, and i was under an overpass. i didn't want to be in the crowd, but i didn't want to annoy people by cutting in a line. i figured out where the bathroom line was, but i couldn't figure out what the other lines were for, so i flew up and hung onto the overpass. i went farther down the crowd and knocked over some pillars that i thought would make room for the people in line to leave by, what if something was going to happen?
wow. i'm going to go get some chai latte and a muffin with my mom. later.

i'm done for now

i have officially completed my first semester in college! my only real test final (everything else was take home) was today, and i know i passed it with at least a B. cool, huh? because the movie thing fell through last weekend, aaron's going to make it up to me and we're going to see Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. it'll be cool, i've been wanting to see that movie for a long time. after the final today a group of us went out to carrows for brunch, and noah asked everyone a really interesting question: what's your favorite moment of this year? i didn't want to answer this question, as it's kinda smarmy, so i made myself unnoticeable (or at least less noticeable--that's my real superpower, 'cause no one really realizes i can do this). Noah never asked me, which is good, 'cause i probably wouldn't have been able to talk, i'd be laughing so hard. i think getting together with aaron is my favorite moment (smarmy!). Noah also asked what we most regretted, and he did ask me this one, but i shrugged, so he moved on. I guess it would be sort of getting together with dillon two weeks before aaron asked me out and then having to "dump" dillon. he's a nice guy, but he's not aaron. ok, those of you who answer: what's your favorite and least favorite part of this year?
note: you don't have to answer the question, i just wanted to ask.

Dream

Here is another, more recent, dream. this happened right after the end of my senior year. i pulled this from a dream log i did.

6-18
Last night I dreamt that I was driving Miko J. and Tony G. home from play practice late at night, and I was so tired, I could barely keep my eyes open. Both of them were in the back seat together. Well, we got to a T-intersection, and I had to go either right or left. I couldn’t remember which way home was, so I turned left, figuring that I could turn back around if I didn’t hit any landmarks within a few minutes. I remember seeing the rolling hills hit by the moonlight as I drove by. Anyway, I was driving for a short time when suddenly I hit a very winding road in the hills, and Mom was suddenly in the passenger seat, asleep. I woke her up and told her about the turn and asked if I should have turned right. She said yes, I should have. Then she proceeded to tell me that she had heard about this road in either Montana or Oklahoma or something like that, and I was mad that I had to drive all the way back to get home. Miko and Tony were out of the car by this time, and as I was turning the car, I saw them standing together, maybe dancing, maybe just watching something on the ground, and I woke up. Miko and Tony are a couple, and both in Peter’s Gate with me. The winding road probably comes from a travel show I saw yesterday on the Canary Islands where there’s a really winding road, and the guy said San Francisco has nothing on this road.

Interesting, hmm?

Old dream

You know those dreams that just stick with you throughout your life? This is one I had when I was, like, 12. I'm bored, so here you go.

We all sat in a boat on a river in the jungle of greens, reds, and blues. The women wore the light flowing dresses and hats of colonial Africa, while the men likewise wore the suits of the time. We all talked of meaningless things until the boat capsized and we all fell overboard. I was surrounded but untouched by the splashing of the terrified passengers. I saw a drowning man in the blue before me, and I swam underwater towards him. His light hair formed a halo around his head, and there was deafening silence. No one swam in the water but us. I took his head in my hands, placed my lips over his, and breathed into him. He lived.
We swam to the surface of the river and gasped for air. We looked around us and saw that the current had carried us into a cave. Vermin of all kinds swarmed the ceiling of the cave: spiders, rats, and enormous snakes of poisonous colors. The cave echoed with their squeaking and slithering and the cries of their victims. Occasionally a creature dropped from the ceiling and crashed into the water, and then all the other vermin would stop and laugh at the hapless creature. The man and I clung to each other and looked to where the river would lead us, hoping for a quick exit.
I looked to the bright light of the cave exit. A waterfall was on the other side of the exit hole, but it didn’t disturb the tranquility of the river we swam in. The vermin surrounded the hole on all sides, so I took the man in my arms, flew up to the middle of the cave, and made my way carefully to the hole. We made it through, but as I passed up through the waterfall, a small snake latched onto my hip. I got the man onto the shallow river above the cave, then wondered what to do about the snake. It connected me to the cave, and I couldn’t seem to escape. Then I thought, “This is MY dream,” then just got my fingers in its mouth and pried it loose. I went to the man, kissed him, and that was the end of the dream.

Dude...

I didn't make it in the play; it's just as well. I didn't really have time, what with my planning to take around 20 units, audit track, AND try for Man of La Mancha.
Aaron and I should be going to a movie today, but he hasn't returned my call (what do you want to bet that he's still sleeping?). Even if we don't, I'm going to see the improv show he's in at the college tonight; our group of drama friends will probably all go to Denny's or whatever afterwards, so that'll be fun.
I got paid today for taking care of Brenda's dog while her folks were away, and Mom got paid yesterday, so we went SHOPPING! I got some stuff I've been needing for a while, a cute sweater (can you say "boobilicious"? Oh, yeah!), Christmas presents, a chai latte... It was fun! Okay, Mom bought all that, but I did split the cost with her on the stuff just for me. Mom will probably borrow the sweater, so she agreed to buy that. I still have money to buy more stuff. Tomorrow I'm going to hang out with Tori (high school friend), and catch up on all the things we need to. She is an awesome person, and can she talk! It's nice, though, I don't have to worry about holding up her end of the conversation. I think that's what I like about Aaron, too: he's a wonderful storyteller. Now me, when I try to explain something, like trying to get from A to C, I generally start at A, go to D, sometimes talk a bit about F, then go to C, back to B, and then talk about how B connects with C. Ask Brenda; she is wise in these matters. She's heard me try to explain how funny something that happened at school was, or jokes that are longer than one-liners. It can actually get pretty funny.

callbacks

went to callbacks today. it was all cold readings. i think i did pretty good, i'm good at cold readings (for the non-theater saavy, a cold reading is when you read a scene from the script without having seen it earlier). luckily, aaron kept being put opposite me in the major male role of the play. if you don't know what "how i learned to drive" is about, its about a woman recounting her life and how she was molested by her (by marriage, not blood relative) Uncle Peck. li'l bit (that's the woman's nickname) is NOT portrayed as a victim; that's important. this is set in the 60's, and anyone who knows of the molestation tries to keep it within the family. crazy, huh?

It's a pretty good day

i went to class today, as usual, and i read one of my stories to the class. they laughed. i'll put it up here sometime, but not now, i'm too lazy. after class i went to the drama catacombs, where the real drama students hang out, and met aaron to help him work his scene. i practically have it memorized now, but aaron has it down pat. he'll do great if he doesn't get too nervous. i haven't found out if i made call-backs for how i learned to drive yet, but i will when i go to the school for dance rehearsal for the Phil Garay Awards show today at 2. i hope i remember the dance. i have a really good short term memory for this sort of thing, but my long term memory can leave something to be desired. aaron keeps hinting he has another gift for me. i'm afire with curiosity. after helping aaron i went to my old high school to buy a ticket for their showing of hamlet. i went last week, too, and it was awesome. they had some girls playing the guy parts (pretty normal for a high school production) but they had them playing as men. the girl who played hamlet was incredible! i was suitably impressed. i was crying by intermission, and i KNOW how the play goes! it was great, with a lot of comic relief, like with rosencrantz and guildenstern. he he! it was amusing. while i was at the high school i ran into a lot of old friends of mine (wow, that was like going home!). one girl, tori, told me that we're going to dinner on sunday and gab about all the gossip we've missed out on and everything. i whet her curiosity and told her that i had a lot to tell her, "and it has to do with boys." she said that i whet her curiosity and now it's steaming hot. i laughed, and she went to class. i guess she's had boy fun/stress, too.

life would be much easier without hormones. just less interesting.

story

"Alone"
i don't feel this way so much now
i'm healing
but it sneaks up on me sometimes
like a spider
poisons me
fills me with fear
i am alone in a crowd
no one will hear

yeah, most of my poetry is pretty down. writing poetry helps me figure out what i'm feeling and get over it. my poetry is pretty dark, especially considering i'm usually such an upbeat person.

I went to auditions for "how i learned to drive." i'm looking for the female lead, but there are a couple of really good girls (at cold readings, too!) whom i'm thinking have a very good chance of making that role. if i don't make it, i hope one of those girls gets it. it would be sad if someone i think is worse than me got the role i wanted so badly. i did decently at auditions.

sleepy tired

i'm putting off doing my homework, which is why i'm here. i hope i can read misanthrope easily and quickly (the english version, thank you). i have a quiz on it tomorrow. i'm tired from working tech in children's theater. i'm sure someone with a longer attention span would do better at pressing go at every cue. i screwed up really badly on some of the light cues. oh well. i choose to be happy. just not right now. i'm not sure if my last post published, so i apologize if i sound repetetive. whatever. i want to call aaron. he's my latest prospect, and he looks pretty good, in more ways than one. lol. i have a curtain of tiredness over my brain at this point, because i'm tired. actually, i want aaron to call me. i want my phone to vibrate, because it is in my pocket. that is an interesting feeling. i will write a poem.

Kolors who wrote in her blog
Complained of her mind in a fog.
She, long story short,
Her blog did abort,
And soon slept just like a log.

maybe i won't abort the blog, but it rhymed. i'm sorry. spur of the moment limeric. probably not very good, but the best i could do at the moment. or maybe it is really good, and i'm just too close to realize it. or it's just in between. i dunno. i tend to be a horrible critic. i like most things. ask bendy. have i ever told you one of your paintings sucked? and don't add that none of your paintings ever sucked. that's beside the point.

Last night I dreamt
You kissed my neck
And when I turned
To kiss you back
I woke.

that's a sad poem. i like it. it's one of my best. i actually had a dream like that. here's another dream poem.

I used to dream I was ashamed
For I was naked
But then I dreamed I walked exposed
Free from shame
Only searching for clothes
Because others were embarrassed.

i tend to scare people when they see the real me. i can be really intense, really zany, really driven, all sorts of things. and stubborn. i just plow right through things when i want to. i try not to step on people along my way, but it's hard sometimes. i drop most of my masks with brenda. most, but not all. i keep my naked self to myself. that sounded funny. he he he!

Tired

wow, i never knew being a techie was so hard. for those who don't know, a techie is a person who looks after technical things in a show. i was doing lights today and yesterday for three shows each day. luckily it was all programmed into the lightboard so all i had to do was press "go" whenever a cue came up. sounds easy, right? it is, but i kept getting wrapped up in watching the show and missing my cue. yesterday i screwed up at least once every single show. today, however, i paid extra special attention to my work and didn't screw up too badly. i was happy, but tired. i kept hoping aaron would call today (he's my latest prospect), but he didn't. i should call him. i felt so happy after getting his message yesterday. it just made my day, especially after screwing up the light cues. how hard is pressing go, anyway? oh, well. anyway, i was tired today after having to pay attention to the same children's theater show three times in a row, and i was hungry, and all i wanted to do was relax. my older sister, Alex, is visiting with her adorable baby, as well as my aunt. the minute i walk in the door, alex says, "oh, good, you're home, now you can help us clean." i almost cried. almost. i want to talk to aaron. i dunno if i want to deal with my sister and aunt while i'm on the phone. both are rather short on tact, but at least my aunt knows she is and compensates. Alex either doesn't realize or doesn't bother using it with me. being her little sister, i understand. or try to, anyway. i'm just tired and running loose with my fingers on the keyboard. it's awesome. really. you ought to try it. it's almost like being drunk without the...whoa, brenda called. dude, i am so tired. it's interesting to have a vibrating cell in your pants pocket. a good interesting.

Memories

I know how this works. While the blog is fresh on my mind I'll write in it all the time, but as time goes by I'll write in it less and less. You know, though, it's amazing how one little thing will trigger memories. I was talking to "ozma" (aka Brenda) about the blog, and she was struck by the name, as you can see in the comments. Anyway, it got me remembering how I chose the name of Kolors--it was a doll's name. It was a Skipper-type doll, but she had these rainbow streaks in her hair, so I named her Colors. I made up an entire imaginary world with her as the heroine. She could do anything in the world. I, of course, let Brenda in on this world, and we would play so many games where we fought off the evil Black Widow (sorry, fear of spiders). Brenda was really into the Oz books at the time, so she chose the moniker Ozma. We would always defeat the evil Black Widow, but he kept coming back for more. I forget what Ozma could do. Earlier this year I was at a lazer tag place, and they wanted me to choose a code name. I didn't want to be too cute, so instead of Colors I put Kolors. I got in second place in the party, one of two girls in the top ten. I am very competetive.

hello!

I have been bullied into creating a blog by my friend ozma (no, that's not her name). i'm just going through the trials and tribulations of community college. ozma is gonna laugh so hard when she finds out what i'm calling her! he he! i hope she comments (major hint) about how much she's been laughing. ok, later!